Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Defiant and Proud

I must rant. I must. Primarily because there are some people and the things that they do that I just can't quite comprehend.

I said yesterday that I left behind a doozer of a relationship about a year ago. It was the understatement of the century. To call it a disaster or a trainwreck would have been too kind. There are exactly three positive things that I recall about the three years that we were together, and strictly speaking one of them was before we got together. An indicator in it's own right, you'd think.

Because, like Caroline over at second hand shopper, I have a freak beacon, it was more than I could hope for that he'd be normal. Like another friend of mine, I have a tendency to attract people that are a bit broken and messed up. It's like a sixth sense, or some kind of a homing beacon ... at the time, I believed it was okay and we'd get together and have some good times and go our merry ways taking something nice with us for the future. Naive perhaps, but I believe strongly in seeking out the best in people. Because sometimes it's only when people believe the best of us that we rise to meet it in ways that we never thought we could.

Let's call him M - standing for Man. To call him that implies that in some way he is capable of feeling and expressing human emotion, which is untrue, but I have no better words. M has left me alone for over a year now, after the threats to destroy me, my career and any life I hoped to build abated. Until this morning, when I received a missive.

I couldn't tell you what would possess any person to get in touch with an old girlfriend, with the sole intention of causing distress, anger, guilt and shame, thinly veiled with a personal reason for writing to me. Objectively, I can see the tools he uses in his writing that subconsciously create a sense of fault in the person on the receiving end and recognise it from the time we were together. It helps to see that it's just a ploy to throw me off balance, force me to respond and give him some kind of satisfaction.

To M - I will not respond to your email but I will say this if ever you read it:

I will not fall down under your recriminations, I would not feel guilty even if I were guilty of what you accuse me of being, I will not give up the person I fought hard to be and I will not let you matter in my life. You manipulated me for years and stripped me of the things that made me who I am but no matter how hard you tried, you could never get down to the core of me, that knows who I am and stands defiant and proud. So, I hope that writing what you did gave you the satisfaction you craved. I deleted it.

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